Wednesday, March 28, 2012
How long before he grows tired of dealing...
Why is it that no matter what I do I can't shake the fear? I am happily engaged to a great man but yet I am so insecure about things. I am afraid of him cheating on me, which I know deep down he would never do, but I still catch myself checking up on him and questioning little things here and there. He understands why I do it, but I dont want him thinking I dont trust him. If we argue and he raises his voice, I shut down and start to cower in fear. I am tired of making him pay for all the things that happened before him, which is what I feel like I am doing. I am blessed that he is so understanding and deals with all this without question, but will it all eventually end, will he get tired of paying for someone elses mistakes?
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Damn Insecurities!!
Insecurities suck ass! I hate being insecure. There are so many other emotions that go along with that. It makes me upset, jealous, stupid, anxious....the list goes on. I have a wonderful man in my life, one that treats me like a princess and loves me unconditionally. I know deep down that he would never ever do anything to hurt me or ruin what we have. But I guess past experiences and my self esteem are trying to ruin it all. I do what any typical woman does, I over analyze everything that he says or does. I know this is not his fault and I do not want him thinking that it is. Granted there were a things he could have avoided that have made it worse.
Guess I should start with a little history, growing up I was never praised or complemented ever about anything. I was always put down for what I did, said or how I looked. Needless to say my house was not exactly the nicest of places to grow up to say the least. Then being in a few relationships that turned out ugly didnt help matters. Being cheated on so many times eventually has you wondering what is wrong with you that this keeps happening. I have never considered my self pretty in any way, and past experiences when I have had a guy tell me that I am it is usually just for one reason, they want something from you. I am not your skinny model type by far. Since I was in high school I was always a little bigger than my friends but I was also taller than everyone else too. I wasnt fat or anything then, not like I am now. After 2 kids I can actually say that I am in the fat region and I hate it. It really didnt matter to me before when I was with my ex, probably because he wasnt the most attractive man and he was bigger than I was. But now with Dave its different. I care a lot about how I look and how I look to him. He is a very attractive man and I still have no idea what he sees in me. When we are together in public I think people look at us and wonder what the hell a guy like him is doing with someone who looks like me. I know not all of this is in my head, I was reading things that people had written to him on facebook and one of his female friends actually said to him that they thought he had better taste then me and something along the lines that if I sat on her I would kill her. SO that just proved to me that it wasnt all just in my crazy head.
With Dave being away in Afghanistan it just makes things worse. I am not there, I have no idea what he does or who he is around. That makes my head fill even more with ideas of what could happen. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am and I always tell him that he is full of shit. He tries to reassure me that nothing is ever going to happen and that I am the only one he wants. Have to say it doesnt convince me 100%. But he does make a good argument, if he was going to do something to screw it all up why would he have wasted $1000 on an engagement ring, why would he have just bought a new car with me or helped pay the house bills. I know these thoughts will never go away as long as I am unhappy with myself. I want to change that so bad. I just hope when I accomplish what I set out to do that my insecurities will disappear too. I want to be the only one in the room that matters to him, the only one he sees when we are in a crowded room. I want to feel better about myself and I know even with changing how I look, I still have to get past all the mental and emotional things that made me this insecure.
I am sorry for any of you that actually read this, my blog is kinda like me own personal venting page, my journal in some aspects I guess you could say. It helps me to write everything out like this and to actually put it in a book where I know that I am the only one that will see it doesnt exactly help. I know that no one ever reads this page, but there is always that small chance and an even smaller chance that someone will comment and say something that could actually help me. Thanks for putting up with my nonsense and immature complaining!! ;)
Guess I should start with a little history, growing up I was never praised or complemented ever about anything. I was always put down for what I did, said or how I looked. Needless to say my house was not exactly the nicest of places to grow up to say the least. Then being in a few relationships that turned out ugly didnt help matters. Being cheated on so many times eventually has you wondering what is wrong with you that this keeps happening. I have never considered my self pretty in any way, and past experiences when I have had a guy tell me that I am it is usually just for one reason, they want something from you. I am not your skinny model type by far. Since I was in high school I was always a little bigger than my friends but I was also taller than everyone else too. I wasnt fat or anything then, not like I am now. After 2 kids I can actually say that I am in the fat region and I hate it. It really didnt matter to me before when I was with my ex, probably because he wasnt the most attractive man and he was bigger than I was. But now with Dave its different. I care a lot about how I look and how I look to him. He is a very attractive man and I still have no idea what he sees in me. When we are together in public I think people look at us and wonder what the hell a guy like him is doing with someone who looks like me. I know not all of this is in my head, I was reading things that people had written to him on facebook and one of his female friends actually said to him that they thought he had better taste then me and something along the lines that if I sat on her I would kill her. SO that just proved to me that it wasnt all just in my crazy head.
With Dave being away in Afghanistan it just makes things worse. I am not there, I have no idea what he does or who he is around. That makes my head fill even more with ideas of what could happen. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am and I always tell him that he is full of shit. He tries to reassure me that nothing is ever going to happen and that I am the only one he wants. Have to say it doesnt convince me 100%. But he does make a good argument, if he was going to do something to screw it all up why would he have wasted $1000 on an engagement ring, why would he have just bought a new car with me or helped pay the house bills. I know these thoughts will never go away as long as I am unhappy with myself. I want to change that so bad. I just hope when I accomplish what I set out to do that my insecurities will disappear too. I want to be the only one in the room that matters to him, the only one he sees when we are in a crowded room. I want to feel better about myself and I know even with changing how I look, I still have to get past all the mental and emotional things that made me this insecure.
I am sorry for any of you that actually read this, my blog is kinda like me own personal venting page, my journal in some aspects I guess you could say. It helps me to write everything out like this and to actually put it in a book where I know that I am the only one that will see it doesnt exactly help. I know that no one ever reads this page, but there is always that small chance and an even smaller chance that someone will comment and say something that could actually help me. Thanks for putting up with my nonsense and immature complaining!! ;)
New Life
I know it has been over a year since I have posted anything here, but 2011 was the year from hell. I was at the lowest point in my life during last year. So let me fill you in on all of the drama and horror that was my life.
I was engaged to the father of my children for almost 6 years. Our relationship was always rocky. We started dating and within the first month we were together I became pregnant with our first son Connor. I left him shortly after that. I knew deep down I wasn't in love with him like I should be in order to spend the rest of my life with him. I spent a few months debating the situation, about being a single mom and all that goes with that. Now I came from a screwed up family, my parents were still in high school when they got pregnant with me and they pretty much married, had me then divorced right afterwards. So I knew first hand how coming from a 'broken' home and having parents who hated each other and feeling unwanted felt. I didnt want that for my unborn child. So after all of the thinking, I let my fears get the best of me and went back to Doug, the father. I was determined to TRY and make things work and not let my child have the life I had. At first things were ok, they were never great because my heart was never fully in it. We fought all the time, he had a short fuse and a bad temper. He was never physically abusive, but he was verbally abusive. He would yell and scream and call me every name you could think of. I was miserable, but I was in a situation where I was 'comfortable' in my daily routine. My son was taken care of and we had a roof over our heads and didnt have to worry about anything. Despite being unhappy we decided to have another child. Due to a list of medical reasons, which I wont go into right now since its a whole other story, the docotrs told me if I EVER wanted another child that I should think about doing it now because if I waited more then likely I wouldnt be able to later. So in 2009 we had our son Colby. After Colby was born I stayed home with the kids. So I basically had no life outside the house. I never went out, didnt really have any friends where we lived, so I only had the boys and Doug to talk to. I started to resent Doug more and more, he went out with friends drinking, got to leave and go to work...things that I didnt do. I had to do everything, raise the kids, clean, cook...everything. He never did anything when he was home to give me any kind of break. So needless to say the fighting increased. I have always fought off a little but of depression, but through all of this it worsened a great deal, to where I didnt even want to get out of bed in the morning. I hated my life. I had pushed away my family because I didnt want them to see how depressed I was and how bad my relationship was. I was ashamed of how he treated me, I was weak. I didnt want people to know the abuse I was going through and tried to hide it. I kept debating on leaving him, but I just wasnt sure how. I had no where to go, no job, no money. I didnt know what to do.
During all of this I found an old friend of mine, Dave, on facebook that I hadnt seen since high school. We started talking here and there, just little comments on things is all. Then somehow a conversation came up and he confessed about how much he had liked me back then and how he had thought about me so many times in the 13 years he hadnt seen me. Now Dave joined the army after school, so when we reconnected he was stationed in Germany, so I had no way of seeing him. So all of our conversations took place over the internet and eventually led to phone calls. The phone calls became everyday calls for hours on end. It didnt take long before I realized I was head over heels in love with Dave. It was unreal the feelings that came over me for him, I had never in my life felt about anyone else the way I did for him. So basically that was the last kick in the ass I needed to leave Doug. I made sure before I told him I was leaving I had everything figured out first. I had a job, a place to live and planned out how custody would work with the kids. I sat down and told him all of this, I just left out the part about Dave.
I moved out across town with the kids and the first week was a little odd for everyone. Then the news about Dave broke because he was getting ready to come home on leave to see me. I guess Doug still had hope that we would work things out and me leaving was just temporary. When he found about Dave he flipped. He had me arrested to try and get revenge over something stupid. He then took the kids for the weekend, or so I thought he was....during the weekend he up and moved out of Maryland and back home to his parents place in Delaware without telling me. He refused to bring my children back to me. He wouldnt let me see them or anything. I went to the police, talked to social services and lawyers and there was not a damn thing that anyone could do to help me. Apparently since there were no custody papers saying who the kids were to be with Doug was not breaking any laws by keeping them from me. So I had to wait for our custody hearing to come before anything could be done. He kept my children from me for an entire month. It was the worst feeling in the world not being able to see them for so long. I was in agony. I couldnt eat, sleep, focus or function. It was worse then hell.
Finally our court date came and to give you the short version, we ended up with joint custody of the kids and they were to live with me. Yay, thank god!! Now during all of this Dave had come home and we finally got to see each for the first time in over 13 years. It was everything I had hoped it would be and more. I was worried that once we were actually together the feelings wouldnt be the same as they were over the phone. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life and every waking moment with dave by my side. Dave proposed while he was home. We are now engaged and waiting to set a date. He is deployed in Afghanistan at the moment and will be done there in May, he has been there since last July. Once he is done there he still has to go back to Germany for 4 months to finish out being stationed there, then he is to to stationed somewhere here in the stated for one more year, then he is done with the army. So we are waiting to find out where he will be when he gets here so we can plan the wedding. I cant wait for that day.
So after my year of hell, I am happy to say that it is all over and behind us. The boys are happy and for the first time in my life so am I. I have my children back and I have the love of my life. I am still standing after all of that, I survived. So now that I have completely bored you to death and written a book here, I will end my rant. I have rambled on enough about my year in hell and cant wait to share my journey this next year with you. I promise this will be my one and only never ending post ;)
I was engaged to the father of my children for almost 6 years. Our relationship was always rocky. We started dating and within the first month we were together I became pregnant with our first son Connor. I left him shortly after that. I knew deep down I wasn't in love with him like I should be in order to spend the rest of my life with him. I spent a few months debating the situation, about being a single mom and all that goes with that. Now I came from a screwed up family, my parents were still in high school when they got pregnant with me and they pretty much married, had me then divorced right afterwards. So I knew first hand how coming from a 'broken' home and having parents who hated each other and feeling unwanted felt. I didnt want that for my unborn child. So after all of the thinking, I let my fears get the best of me and went back to Doug, the father. I was determined to TRY and make things work and not let my child have the life I had. At first things were ok, they were never great because my heart was never fully in it. We fought all the time, he had a short fuse and a bad temper. He was never physically abusive, but he was verbally abusive. He would yell and scream and call me every name you could think of. I was miserable, but I was in a situation where I was 'comfortable' in my daily routine. My son was taken care of and we had a roof over our heads and didnt have to worry about anything. Despite being unhappy we decided to have another child. Due to a list of medical reasons, which I wont go into right now since its a whole other story, the docotrs told me if I EVER wanted another child that I should think about doing it now because if I waited more then likely I wouldnt be able to later. So in 2009 we had our son Colby. After Colby was born I stayed home with the kids. So I basically had no life outside the house. I never went out, didnt really have any friends where we lived, so I only had the boys and Doug to talk to. I started to resent Doug more and more, he went out with friends drinking, got to leave and go to work...things that I didnt do. I had to do everything, raise the kids, clean, cook...everything. He never did anything when he was home to give me any kind of break. So needless to say the fighting increased. I have always fought off a little but of depression, but through all of this it worsened a great deal, to where I didnt even want to get out of bed in the morning. I hated my life. I had pushed away my family because I didnt want them to see how depressed I was and how bad my relationship was. I was ashamed of how he treated me, I was weak. I didnt want people to know the abuse I was going through and tried to hide it. I kept debating on leaving him, but I just wasnt sure how. I had no where to go, no job, no money. I didnt know what to do.
During all of this I found an old friend of mine, Dave, on facebook that I hadnt seen since high school. We started talking here and there, just little comments on things is all. Then somehow a conversation came up and he confessed about how much he had liked me back then and how he had thought about me so many times in the 13 years he hadnt seen me. Now Dave joined the army after school, so when we reconnected he was stationed in Germany, so I had no way of seeing him. So all of our conversations took place over the internet and eventually led to phone calls. The phone calls became everyday calls for hours on end. It didnt take long before I realized I was head over heels in love with Dave. It was unreal the feelings that came over me for him, I had never in my life felt about anyone else the way I did for him. So basically that was the last kick in the ass I needed to leave Doug. I made sure before I told him I was leaving I had everything figured out first. I had a job, a place to live and planned out how custody would work with the kids. I sat down and told him all of this, I just left out the part about Dave.
I moved out across town with the kids and the first week was a little odd for everyone. Then the news about Dave broke because he was getting ready to come home on leave to see me. I guess Doug still had hope that we would work things out and me leaving was just temporary. When he found about Dave he flipped. He had me arrested to try and get revenge over something stupid. He then took the kids for the weekend, or so I thought he was....during the weekend he up and moved out of Maryland and back home to his parents place in Delaware without telling me. He refused to bring my children back to me. He wouldnt let me see them or anything. I went to the police, talked to social services and lawyers and there was not a damn thing that anyone could do to help me. Apparently since there were no custody papers saying who the kids were to be with Doug was not breaking any laws by keeping them from me. So I had to wait for our custody hearing to come before anything could be done. He kept my children from me for an entire month. It was the worst feeling in the world not being able to see them for so long. I was in agony. I couldnt eat, sleep, focus or function. It was worse then hell.
Finally our court date came and to give you the short version, we ended up with joint custody of the kids and they were to live with me. Yay, thank god!! Now during all of this Dave had come home and we finally got to see each for the first time in over 13 years. It was everything I had hoped it would be and more. I was worried that once we were actually together the feelings wouldnt be the same as they were over the phone. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life and every waking moment with dave by my side. Dave proposed while he was home. We are now engaged and waiting to set a date. He is deployed in Afghanistan at the moment and will be done there in May, he has been there since last July. Once he is done there he still has to go back to Germany for 4 months to finish out being stationed there, then he is to to stationed somewhere here in the stated for one more year, then he is done with the army. So we are waiting to find out where he will be when he gets here so we can plan the wedding. I cant wait for that day.
So after my year of hell, I am happy to say that it is all over and behind us. The boys are happy and for the first time in my life so am I. I have my children back and I have the love of my life. I am still standing after all of that, I survived. So now that I have completely bored you to death and written a book here, I will end my rant. I have rambled on enough about my year in hell and cant wait to share my journey this next year with you. I promise this will be my one and only never ending post ;)
Friday, December 31, 2010
Happy New Year
GoodBye 2010!!! Thank god!! You were a horrible ass of a year. I am glad to see you go!!
Hello 2011!!! Please, Please be nice to me this year, I think I deserve some a good luck this year!! Be kind to me and my family. We stuggled so hard last year that its time we get a little break. Also keep all of us in great health! I look forward to doing business with you!!!
Love, Me!!
Hello 2011!!! Please, Please be nice to me this year, I think I deserve some a good luck this year!! Be kind to me and my family. We stuggled so hard last year that its time we get a little break. Also keep all of us in great health! I look forward to doing business with you!!!
Love, Me!!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
No, really....poop on the wall!
So after this mornings disaster of a mess, I decided I should rename my blog. I think it fits my life perfectly!! Never a clean dull moment around my house.
So here is what happened: My four year old son Connor went in the bathroom to go potty, nothing unusual about that. He normally takes a while when he goes poop, but then again, who doesn't right? But after a few rare quiet minutes I sent my 10 year old daughter Cheyenne to check on him. All I heard when she walked in was a HUGE "CONNOR, OH MY GOD!!" So you can imagine hearing her scream that, my mommy instincts took over and I thought something was really wrong with him. Cheyenne then steps out into the hallway and proceeds to tell me what he has done. He had tried to wipe himself and didn't quite position the toilet paper correctly, so in turn the poop got all over his hands. So instead of telling anyone he decides to clean his hands off on my wall!!! No idea where he came up with the idea to do this, but my question is "You couldn't have used the towel that is hanging not even 2inches above where you smeared your crap?!?!" I mean really....
So here I am trying to clean poop of the wall, meanwhile I am yelling at Connor to wash his hands that he is touching all over his face (yuck) and I have a sick 16 month old attached to my leg. So, baby in one arm, poopy towel in the other hand.......you can see where this is going right? I go to walk out the bathroom and of course I trip over Connors firetruck.......poopy towel flung onto the hallway wall as I am trying to catch myself!! Thought I would spare you the image of poop on the wall, so instead you can see my very sick cheese doodle face Colby.
FML!!!!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Somethings gotta give!
Seriously feel as if I am going crazy!! Everything that can go wrong in life is!! Behind on all the bills, cant find a job. I mean come on!! I have been looking for a job for months now! I wanted to find something that would allow me to work from home, so I wouldn't have to put the boys in daycare. But I think I may have to give up on that dream. But even searching for a 'real' job outside the home isn't working!! NO ONE seems to be hiring!! Unless you are a truck driver or some kind of labor worker!! WTF!!!!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
2 surgeries, 2 kids, 1 day------not fun!!!
So yesterday we had to take both boys to the hospital for outpatient surgery. One had to get tubes in his ears, the other had to have his nose cauterized so it would stop bleeding. Not sure how long that is going to last since he keeps sticking his damm fingers up there. Anyway, let me tell you that yesterday was a nightmare! Its bad enough that you have to take in one, but try a 3 yr old and an 11 month old in one trip!! I was upset to begin with that they both had to be put to sleep. But then we had to sit and wait for 2 hours!! WTF!! Tell me to be there at 8 and then dont start the procedures till after 10!! Here I am sitting back in the prep rooms with 2 kids who have not eaten or had anything to drink since the night before. The youngest is still on a bottle and wasnt allowed to eat anything after midnightt. Needless to say he was sooooooo not happy. The oldest was so bored and wanted to run up and down the halls and chase his brother.
Finally when it was time, the drs came to take the youngest first. I was worried that both boys would lose it and started screaming when they took them from me. But I was shocked that they allowed me to put on a gown and go back with each one to the operating room. They let me hold them while they put them to sleep. It made things so much easier on everyone. I didnt have to see my kids freak out when strangers took them, the boys were both calm since I was with them and the drs didnt have to deal with a screaming, kicking child. I was pleased after that!!
But yesterday was enough!! I don't need to go through that anytime soon!!! Note to kids--- please, please stay healthy and accident free so that we dont have to deal with the hospital anytime soon!! Whew, I was so stressed before I knew I could go back with them. i had to take 2 of my anxiety pills just to help calm me........didnt really help much.
Finally when it was time, the drs came to take the youngest first. I was worried that both boys would lose it and started screaming when they took them from me. But I was shocked that they allowed me to put on a gown and go back with each one to the operating room. They let me hold them while they put them to sleep. It made things so much easier on everyone. I didnt have to see my kids freak out when strangers took them, the boys were both calm since I was with them and the drs didnt have to deal with a screaming, kicking child. I was pleased after that!!
But yesterday was enough!! I don't need to go through that anytime soon!!! Note to kids--- please, please stay healthy and accident free so that we dont have to deal with the hospital anytime soon!! Whew, I was so stressed before I knew I could go back with them. i had to take 2 of my anxiety pills just to help calm me........didnt really help much.
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