New Life

I know it has been over a year since I have posted anything here, but 2011 was the year from hell. I was at the lowest point in my life during last year. So let me fill you in on all of the drama and horror that was my life.

I was engaged to the father of my children for almost 6 years. Our relationship was always rocky. We started dating and within the first month we were together I became pregnant with our first son Connor. I left him shortly after that. I knew deep down I wasn't in love with him like I should be in order to spend the rest of my life with him. I spent a few months debating the situation, about being a single mom and all that goes with that. Now I came from a screwed up family, my parents were still in high school when they got pregnant with me and they pretty much married, had me then divorced right afterwards. So I knew first hand how coming from a 'broken' home and having parents who hated each other and feeling unwanted felt. I didnt want that for my unborn child. So after all of the thinking, I let my fears get the best of me and went back to Doug, the father. I was determined to TRY and make things work and not let my child have the life I had. At first things were ok, they were never great because my heart was never fully in it. We fought all the time, he had a short fuse and a bad temper. He was never physically abusive, but he was verbally abusive. He would yell and scream and call me every name you could think of. I was miserable, but I was in a situation where I was 'comfortable' in my daily routine. My son was taken care of and we had a roof over our heads and didnt have to worry about anything. Despite being unhappy we decided to have another child. Due to a list of medical reasons, which I wont go into right now since its a whole other story, the docotrs told me if I EVER wanted another child that I should think about doing it now because if I waited more then likely I wouldnt be able to later. So in 2009 we had our son Colby. After Colby was born I stayed home with the kids. So I basically had no life outside the house. I never went out, didnt really have any friends where we lived, so I only had the boys and Doug to talk to. I started to resent Doug more and more, he went out with friends drinking, got to leave and go to work...things that I didnt do. I had to do everything, raise the kids, clean, cook...everything. He never did anything when he was home to give me any kind of break. So needless to say the fighting increased. I have always fought off a little but of depression, but through all of this it worsened a great deal, to where I didnt even want to get out of bed in the morning. I hated my life. I had pushed away my family because I didnt want them to see how depressed I was and how bad my relationship was. I was ashamed of how he treated me, I was weak. I didnt want people to know the abuse I was going through and tried to hide it. I kept debating on leaving him, but I just wasnt sure how. I had no where to go, no job, no money. I didnt know what to do.

During all of this I found an old friend of mine, Dave, on facebook that I hadnt seen since high school. We started talking here and there, just little comments on things is all. Then somehow a conversation came up and he confessed about how much he had liked me back then and how he had thought about me so many times in the 13 years he hadnt seen me. Now Dave joined the army after school, so when we reconnected he was stationed in Germany, so I had no way of seeing him. So all of our conversations took place over the internet and eventually led to phone calls. The phone calls became everyday calls for hours on end. It didnt take long before I realized I was head over heels in love with Dave. It was unreal the feelings that came over me for him, I had never in my life felt about anyone else the way I did for him. So basically that was the last kick in the ass I needed to leave Doug. I made sure before I told him I was leaving I had everything figured out first. I had a job, a place to live and planned out how custody would work with the kids. I sat down and told him all of this, I just left out the part about Dave.

I moved out across town with the kids and the first week was a little odd for everyone. Then the news about Dave broke because he was getting ready to come home on leave to see me. I guess Doug still had hope that we would work things out and me leaving was just temporary. When he found about Dave he flipped. He had me arrested to try and get revenge over something stupid. He then took the kids for the weekend, or so I thought he was....during the weekend he up and moved out of Maryland and back home to his parents place in Delaware without telling me. He refused to bring my children back to me. He wouldnt let me see them or anything. I went to the police, talked to social services and lawyers and there was not a damn thing that anyone could do to help me. Apparently since there were no custody papers saying who the kids were to be with Doug was not breaking any laws by keeping them from me. So I had to wait for our custody hearing to come before anything could be done. He kept my children from me for an entire month. It was the worst feeling in the world not being able to see them for so long. I was in agony. I couldnt eat, sleep, focus or function. It was worse then hell.

Finally our court date came and to give you the short version, we ended up with joint custody of the kids and they were to live with me. Yay, thank god!! Now during all of this Dave had come home and we finally got to see each for the first time in over 13 years. It was everything I had hoped it would be and more. I was worried that once we were actually together the feelings wouldnt be the same as they were over the phone. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life and every waking moment with dave by my side. Dave proposed while he was home. We are now engaged and waiting to set a date. He is deployed in Afghanistan at the moment and will be done there in May, he has been there since last July. Once he is done there he still has to go back to Germany for 4 months to finish out being stationed there, then he is to to stationed somewhere here in the stated for one more year, then he is done with the army. So we are waiting to find out where he will be when he gets here so we can plan the wedding. I cant wait for that day.

So after my year of hell, I am happy to say that it is all over and behind us. The boys are happy and for the first time in my life so am I. I have my children back and I have the love of my life. I am still standing after all of that, I survived. So now that I have completely bored you to death and written a book here, I will end my rant. I have rambled on enough about my year in hell and cant wait to share my journey this next year with you. I promise this will be my one and only never ending post ;)