Damn Insecurities!!

Insecurities suck ass! I hate being insecure. There are so many other emotions that go along with that. It makes me upset, jealous, stupid, anxious....the list goes on. I have a wonderful man in my life, one that treats me like a princess and loves me unconditionally. I know deep down that he would never ever do anything to hurt me or ruin what we have. But I guess past experiences and my self esteem are trying to ruin it all. I do what any typical woman does, I over analyze everything that he says or does. I know this is not his fault and I do not want him thinking that it is. Granted there were a things he could have avoided that have made it worse.

Guess I should start with a little history, growing up I was never praised or complemented ever about anything. I was always put down for what I did, said or how I looked. Needless to say my house was not exactly the nicest of places to grow up to say the least. Then being in a few relationships that turned out ugly didnt help matters. Being cheated on so many times eventually has you wondering what is wrong with you that this keeps happening. I have never considered my self pretty in any way, and past experiences when I have had a guy tell me that I am it is usually just for one reason, they want something from you. I am not your skinny model type by far. Since I was in high school I was always a little bigger than my friends but I was also taller than everyone else too. I wasnt fat or anything then, not like I am now. After 2 kids I can actually say that I am in the fat region and I hate it. It really didnt matter to me before when I was with my ex, probably because he wasnt the most attractive man and he was bigger than I was. But now with Dave its different. I care a lot about how I look and how I look to him. He is a very attractive man and I still have no idea what he sees in me. When we are together in public I think people look at us and wonder what the hell a guy like him is doing with someone who looks like me. I know not all of this is in my head, I was reading things that people had written to him on facebook and one of his female friends actually said to him that they thought he had better taste then me and something along the lines that if I sat on her I would kill her. SO that just proved to me that it wasnt all just in my crazy head.

With Dave being away in Afghanistan it just makes things worse. I am not there, I have no idea what he does or who he is around. That makes my head fill even more with ideas of what could happen. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am and I always tell him that he is full of shit. He tries to reassure me that nothing is ever going to happen and that I am the only one he wants. Have to say it doesnt convince me 100%. But he does make a good argument, if he was going to do something to screw it all up why would he have wasted $1000 on an engagement ring, why would he have just bought a new car with me or helped pay the house bills. I know these thoughts will never go away as long as I am unhappy with myself. I want to change that so bad. I just hope when I accomplish what I set out to do that my insecurities will disappear too. I want to be the only one in the room that matters to him, the only one he sees when we are in a crowded room. I want to feel better about myself and I know even with changing how I look, I still have to get past all the mental and emotional things that made me this insecure.

I am sorry for any of you that actually read this, my blog is kinda like me own personal venting page, my journal in some aspects I guess you could say. It helps me to write everything out like this and to actually put it in a book where I know that I am the only one that will see it doesnt exactly help. I know that no one ever reads this page, but there is always that small chance and an even smaller chance that someone will comment and say something that could actually help me. Thanks for putting up with my nonsense and immature complaining!! ;)